What makes a good Dom?

There is no definitive question

...to the answer of “What makes a good Dom”, the same as there is no easy answer to the question of what makes a good partner, or what makes a good friend.

Everyone has individualistic needs to be addressed and catered to by their Dom, which is why it is important to recognize your own needs before you look for certain qualities within others. Having a better idea of what kind of personality and influence you would want in your life and sex life will make it infinitely easier to find the perfect Dom with you.  So, first, rather than just listing qualities which are deemed as desirable make a list of the qualities that you want to find in a Dom. 

-Do you want them to be attentive? 

-Do you want them to be experienced? 

-Do you want a monogamous relationship with a Dom or are you happy to work in an open 


-Do you have particular physical traits you have in mind? 

-Would you like them to be intellectual?

After you’ve answered these questions, you’ll have a better idea of what to look for in your idea of a perfect Dom. However, that being said,  there are a variety of red flags which you must look out for when finding a Dom – especially if you are new to BDSM and are only just starting to explore your own sexuality. 

Sadly, it is not uncommon to find men posing as Doms online – who may have even fooled themselves over their dominant position, yet they just like humiliating and hurting women. 

To limit the number of women who look back on their previous relationships and encounters and wonder whether it was BDSM or it was abuse, we’ve outlined some of the main things to look out for, when it comes to keeping yourself safe. But remember, in reality, the danger for women looking for a Dom online or by any other means is no greater than the danger women are in when they are looking for vanilla relationships. It isn’t likely that you will find your perfect Dom as your walking your dog, or when you go down to the supermarket. So mostly, subs have to stick to online matching services with the exception to fetish nights and fetish club meet ups. Which may be helpful if you live in a major city or town, yet, if you’re living out in the sticks, the ability to meet Doms in real life seems like an impossibility. In an effort to make meeting the perfect Dom a little easier for you, here are some helpful tips. 

Don’t Mistake Men Who Treat You Badly as a Potential Dominant Partner 

It is the nature of humanity to constantly grasp for power, whether that’s in our social surroundings, our careers, or in our relationships. Everyone wants in on authority and to feel the position of control in their hands. Possessing the ability to exert ones will is desirable to many people. Yet, just because someone is able to gain a position of power with the ability to subjugate others that doesn’t mean that they know how to handle it. This is especially true in the case between a dominant and their submissive. How many times have you regretted giving trust to a person who later turns out to abuse that trust? It is exactly the same story when it comes to power. When an individual has power, it’s all too easy for them to become harsh and unkind or just play hot and cold. Yet, none of these qualities are possessed by a dominant. 

A good dominant should be willing to achieve and maintain the happiness of his sub.

If you meet a Dom which seems fazed or jaded by your pleasure, it isn’t likely that he’s practicing his dominance for anything but his own needs and desire for power. Above all else dominants should always be a protector, a teacher or a guide. Usually, especially in the case of female subs and male dominants, the Dom is the older of the two, so there is usually a paternal element over the relationship especially if you’ve established your relationship as a daddy and LG relationship. Whichever kind of relationship that you want to form, the interest of the sub, should always be at the heart of it. 

Choose Someone Who Knows the Importance of Aftercare 

Some Doms can be all too proud about the whip marks they’ve left on former subs, whilst being handy with a cane is certainly a desired trait for a Dom, how they practice aftercare is infinitely more important. Many subs can experience a drop in serotonin after acting out a scene, which is why it is vitally important that the Dom takes the time to make sure the sub feels safe and comfortable, even after the lightest bondage. Even regular sex can leave women feeling a post coital depression, so there is no understating how vital aftercare is.  

With every sub/Dom relationship the appropriate level of self-care needs to be established between both partners, if a Dom has been reluctant to pamper you, tend to you, or show you enough attention after a scene, it’s safe to say he’s not for you. Anyone can flog someone or order someone around, it takes a real Dom to be able to execute self-care effectively. 

Find a Communicative Dom 

Each healthy Dom/sub relationship starts with a conversation. While some people can get shy or awkward when it comes to candidly expressing their needs, expectations and desires, if you’ve found that your Dom doesn’t seem to want to engage in such conversations, then the chances are that you need to walk away. The ground rules should always be laid down before any scenes are explored. This includes setting your hard and soft limits and establishing a safe word. Yet, the communication doesn’t just end there. The topic should be left up for discussion for either party to bring up the conditions of your relationship. The rules aren’t cast in stone, if you feel your curiosity grow, you can see your list of limits shorten. But at the same time, once you start exploring your sexuality and choose that something you’ve tried isn’t for you, you can always add this to the list. 

Any good Dom will want to work through these issues, desires and expressions with you and never chastise you for anything you have found that you don’t like. Remember, the power play is as much about the subs power as it is the dominants. 

Find a Dom Who Knows the True Weight of Power 

As previously mentioned, and as the old saying goes “with great power comes great responsibility”. So, when looking for a good Dom, it is advised that you find someone who has experienced the power AND responsibility which comes along with the position. Because remember, sadism is separate from dominance. While sadism may be an element of the role of dominance, the two are still separate predispositions. Sadism doesn’t require responsibility, however being a dominant does. While female subs may choose to spend their time with sadists, this doesn’t mean that they will take responsibility for your vulnerability and needs during a power play. A good way of determining a good Dom from a bad Dom is by resisting or defying their power, if a Dom loses their temper or becomes emotional through the act of defiance, this will speak volumes. 

Good dominants need to be able to bear all of the weight which comes from taking control. This means being able to responsibly lead in a relationship, which as you can imagine is an easy position to abuse, which is why it is vitally important to know whose hands you are placing your trust into. Which leads us onto the next point of selfishness. 

Find a Selfless Dom 

If your Dom isn’t selfless, then it’s never going to work. A Dom must be a man of actions, and not just words. It is not enough to promise the world, subs need to have a partner who is ready and willing to provide them with whatever they may need – both emotionally and physically. If a Dom is daunted by the needs of a sub, or deems them “too needy”, this simply means that he was never ready to take ownership in the first place. While it can be misconstrued that the “neediness” is the fault of the sub, this is very rarely the case, in fact more often than not it will speak volumes of the selfishness of the Dom. Always view selfish people as children in adult bodies, reasonable behaviour can sadly never be expected. What is much more likely is that the Dom will feel like a child burning ants with a magnifying glass. 

Selflessness should be displayed in all Dom/sub activities. We’ll take orgasm control for the perfect example. A Dom doesn’t control a sub’s orgasm because they don’t want their sub to experience pleasure. Instead they do it to allow the sub to make them feel as though a reward has been earned.